so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
