Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
