If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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