he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
