im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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