Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
