Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
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I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
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I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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