im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
