I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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