chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
