fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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