and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
