if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
wow bdsm is so cute
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