Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All the doctor said was why
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
