I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
