why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
