i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
