from now on my penis is your penis
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
