I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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