I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
