Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
