yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
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remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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