is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
