Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
