my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
