He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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