i already hear my dad disowning me
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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