Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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