you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
