Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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