I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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