At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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