So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
