Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
