My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
