my phone needs a breathalizer
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
