dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
