sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
