Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
