Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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