She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
