It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
