Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
