i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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