Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
