If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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