and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
foreskin is a definite game changer
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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