I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
