She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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