the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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