I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
