I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
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The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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