it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
