easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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