i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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