I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
