She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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