This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
