i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
